grateful

Gratitude – How to feel it?

Psychology research is showing that grateful people are more likely to have higher levels of happiness and lower levels of stress and depression. An attitude of gratitude can make the difference between a life of fulfillment, or a life of emptiness.

True gratitude is more than merely saying ‘thank you’. It is not just noticing and appreciating the good qualities of a person or thing which make you pleased. Rather, the essence of the true spirit of gratitude is a positive feeling towards a benefactor and desiring to do something good in return.

gratitudeThankfulness can be seen in the humble innocence of a child. But this attitude may be lost as we grow up and adults can actually find the feeling of gratitude hard to cultivate, because it is the opposite of the normal state of self-orientation. It is very different from a striving to better one’s lot and contrary to a tendency to credit oneself for one’s successes while blaming others for one’s failures.

If you realise it is no good just waiting around to feel thankful, you will ask about what you can actually do to experience gratitude.

Finding gratitude by acknowledging unhelpful thoughts

As a child you may have been told ‘You are special’, ‘You’re number one’ and as an adult you are probably familiar with the ideas about consumer, democratic and human rights. And so having a sense of entitlement can easily be mistaken as natural and even healthy.  It is not uncommon to hear about some youngsters who seem to take everything for granted.

You might think that you are the centre of things but find life doesn’t meet your needs and desires. If so you might well feel aggrieved that you are not getting what you feel you deserve.

How can one feel grateful in this state of mind? Well you can’t according to cognitive therapy- not unless you change your expectations and assumptions.

“There’s nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so” (Hamlet – William Shakespeare)

Is it not true that we disturb ourselves by the beliefs we hold about events?

However, you can challenge a negative habit of thinking once you have spotted it in yourself. One way of challenging aggrieved thinking is to consider the notion that the world owes you nothing: that anything good that happens to you is a gift: something extra to what one might expect which can be appreciated and enjoyed.

“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has” (Stoic philosopher, Epictetus)

Acting as if one already had gratitude

One exercise is to write down what is good in your life instead of what is bad. This needs to be done on a regular basis perhaps once a week.

It helps to do this by thinking about:

  • What you do have, instead of what you don’t have,
  • Where you are lucky, instead of where you are unlucky,
  • What you love, instead of what you hate,
  • Who likes you, instead of who does not,
  • Where you feel empowered, instead of where you feel helpless,
  • Where you feel inspired, instead of where you feel depressed.

Even if you are sceptical “once you get started, you find more and more things to be grateful for,” says Robert Emmons, a leading gratitude researcher at the University of California at Davis.

He says gratitude doesn’t depend on circumstances. You can be grateful for just about anything that you’ve received in part because of someone or something else. You may feel grateful to your neighbour for a favour, to luck for meeting your spouse, to nature for a scenic view or to fate or a higher power for your safety. Thankfulness helps you see that you’re an object of love and care.

Gratitude as a sign of a noble soul

There is a fable by Aesop about a slave who pulls a thorn out of the paw of a lion. Some time later, the slave and the lion are captured, and the slave is thrown to the lion. The hungry lion rushes bounding and roaring toward the slave, but, upon recognizing his friend, he fawns upon him and licks his hands like a friendly dog. ‘Gratitude’, Aesop concludes, ‘is the sign of noble souls’

From a spiritual perspective, gratitude enables one to connect with something that is not only larger than oneself but also fundamentally good and reassuring. It opens our eyes to the miracle that is life, something to marvel at, revel in, and celebrate, rather than ignore or take for granted as it flies us by.

Gratitude thus involves a dimension of awe, wonder or humility. Christian believers say that ultimately all good things come from the Lord God, the source of goodness, and we are helpless without this higher power active in our lives.

Gratitude in the afterlife

Emanuel Swedenborg described his visions of a heavenly afterlife. He wrote that the angels refuse all thanks from others for the good things they do. They direct all such expressions of gratitude to the Lord God. For, they say, without the Lord they could not carry out anything useful.

They are said to give a further reason for not wanting to be thanked. Doing useful things is the delight of their lives, so why should they be thanked for doing what delights them?

Copyright 2015 Stephen Russell-Lacy Author Heart, Head & Hands

Posted on20th August 2015AuthorEditorCategoriesHealing attitudes, Latest post, Spiritual healingTags, , , , ,

How can I give thanks when I don’t feel grateful?

Feeling grateful
Dr. Robert Emmons

Feeling grateful may be good for you.

Research on feeling grateful, summarised by Dr Robert Emmons University of California, has been conducted on thousands of people around the world. Those who practice gratitude tend to be more creative, bounce back more quickly from adversity, have a stronger immune system, and have stronger social relationships than those who don’t practice gratitude. Giving thanks makes people happier and more resilient, it strengthens relationships, it improves health, and it reduces stress.

The trouble is, you might doubt whether it is possible to cultivate a grateful attitude when you feel anything but thankful?  Five obstacles stand in the way to better appreciating the good things in life.

1. Lack of time for reflection

However busy you are e.g. seeing to the kids, earning a living, doing all the practical chores, chasing your tail, it is surely possible to create a little time just once a week to recall some good things you have experienced, and put pen to paper to focus your mind.

2. Unrealistic expectation

Instead of feeling disappointed about big things not happening for you, why not start noticing the small things that you can be more appreciative of, like the perfect parking spot you had on a cold day, the unexpected pound coins you found in your pocket and the pleasant act of courtesy from someone you don’t really know. Try not to take for granted the good things you have got.

“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.” – Epictetus

3. Lack of action

Rather than trying and then failing to feel thankful, you could try speaking words of thanks out loud — whether to a friend, the person who you wish you could thank or in prayer to your idea of God. Saying or doing something can focus on and thus develop that fleeting feeling. One possibility is to write notes to your family and friends to express feeling grateful even for small favours. Religious people share a thankful prayer of grace before a meal.

4. Believing you have nothing to be grateful for

Another way is to stop and use your imagination. If you were to pretend to yourself that you have lost some of the things that you take for granted, such as your home, your car, your ability to walk, or anything that currently gives you comfort, you could in your mind’s eye then picture getting each of these things back, one by one: consider  how grateful you would be for each and every one.

Similarly, you might ask yourself to what extent you notice the precious things around?  Things like the beauty in nature, the goodness in altruistic action, the innocent sphere of a baby.

The spiritual writer Roger Walsh has pointed out that this blindness to the sacred in the world, in others and in oneself, is particularly dramatic in modern Western culture, largely due to the influence of science.  I feel we are so bombarded by the scientific description of the universe as a great meaningless machine and the account of evolution as a random series of events, that these views can easily be seen to be the natural and only way of looking at things. Are we not in danger of living in a disenchanted world seemingly stripped of significance, spirit and purpose? To appreciate and be grateful for the sacred requires an additional way of knowing to the one scientists use. A perception of the soul.

The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart. (Helen Keller)

5. Negative feelings

Some opposing feelings are incompatible. For example you either resent someone or feel appreciation for them. You can’t be both angry and thankful at the same time or both envious and grateful. The negative feeling is incompatible with the positive one. One tip I find helpful, is to first tackle the negative. Rather than sweeping a serious problem under the carpet, address it openly by expressing and resolving feelings of anger with the other person. Then you can make a conscious choice about which way you are going to turn. You either can nurse your hurts or look for their good points.

In their book Rise Above It, Ray and Star Silverman say that, in giving thanks for our parents, we are also being grateful for the divine source of all that is good in life. However, there is a danger that we might cling to childhood wounds, however real or imagined, like sacred scars. If so, they will discolour and distort our attitudes to other people and the experience of life itself. If we have seen anger in our parents we might ask ourselves whether this can be re-seen as determination, or a great concern for our welfare. Perhaps stubbornness or inflexibility should be re-seen as strength or conviction. In other words you can be a sort of tv remote control and change mind channels at will: the negative or the positive news channel.

Swedenborgian view

Emanuel Swedenborg the spiritual philosopher used the “as if ” phrase. He wrote that anything what is good within us is usually felt as if it is our own. However, he maintains that this is a necessary illusion for the sake of our sense of inner freedom of personal choice. Actually when the religious minded person comes to think about it, he or she acknowledges that all good things come from the source of goodness itself rather than from ones own merit. And so it is to this Source that one gives thanks. According to this view, even a grateful heart — which counts one’s blessings — is a spiritual gift that one can receive.

I praise the Lord here today. I know that all my talent and all my ability comes from him, and without him I’m nothing and I thank him for his great blessing. (Ernie Harwell)

Copyright 2013 Stephen Russell-Lacy
Author of Heart, Head & Hands Swedenborg’s perspective on emotional problems