The Betrothal States in Marriage


The Betrothal States in Marriage
A Sermon by the Rev. James P. Cooper
Toronto, January 10, 2010

For as a young man marries a virgin, so shall your sons marry you; and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you. (Isaiah 62:5)

Marriage is the natural state of life for all men and women. Everyone in heaven is married, and remains married to eternity Marriage is the most important relationship we will establish in our lives. It is therefore in our own best interests to learn as much about marriage as possible.

When we look at marriage as a purely natural thing, a customary arrangement for the sake of sorting out the inheritance of offspring, it is very difficult to treat it seriously, to resist the temp-tations to break the marriage vows. If marriage is just a social contract, what harm can there be in a little adultery as long as it is kept quiet so no one is hurt? The low success rate of modern mar-riages is probably the result, at least in part, of the increasingly natural view of marriage as a temporary social contract between two adults that can be easily broken and new relationships arranged.

But marriage is not a purely natural thing:  it originates in God Himself God is Divine Love itself and Divine Wisdom itself From His Divine Love, God wanted to create a heaven from the hu-man race. From His Divine Wisdom, He conceived a plan to accomplish this goal. When the de-sire and the plan were conjoined and made one, the universe was created over a period of time, and in an orderly way. The creation of a heaven full of human beings is God’s greatest pleasure. This is the origin of marriage, for the wife represents the Divine Love, and the husband repre-sents the Divine Wisdom. When they come together in marriage and conjoin themselves, they can create new human beings for heaven. The pleasure of conceiving and rearing children is the greatest delight of human life, and it is a gift from God because it is a correspondence of the great delight He Himself felt in creating the universe.
Marriage seems a natural thing because it involves the fulfilment of so many natural desires. However, the doctrines of the New Church have revealed not only that it is a spiritual creation, but they have also revealed how we can prepare for marriage so that the spiritual things come before the natural things and so the marriage can continue to grow in wisdom and delight to eter-nity We prepare ourselves for a lovely, eternal, spiritual marriage with one through shunning evils as sins, looking to the Lord to provide a partner, and the states of betrothal.

We usually think of betrothal as a ritual that takes place after then engagement and a few weeks or months before a young couple gets married, and that is quite true as far as it goes. But the pur-pose of that ritual is to mark the bride and groom’s mutual belief and consent that they are going to enter into a spiritual marriage before they enter into the natural marriage.

Do these convictions and heartfelt beliefs end with the marriage ceremony? Why do young cou-ples give each other tokens and gifts at the time of betrothal except to mark this important spiri-tual step so it can be remembered for the rest of their lives? Why else do they continue to wear these tokens throughout their life except to remind them of the beautiful, tender first states of mutual love?

The betrothal ceremony marks the beginning of a lifelong effort to bring what is spiritual into marriage so that what is natural can serve its proper use and be in its proper place, supporting and upholding that which is spiritual and eternal, not to be an end in itself.

Let us now review the main states of betrothal so that they can be recognized, cherished, and re-newed.

The first state is that of consent, and it can be argued that when a couple in freedom, and from love, consents to be married, they are – from the spiritual point of view – already married because everything they think and do from that point forward will be to bring that consent into being, into a marriage. That’s why the Heavenly Doctrine goes to such lengths to encourage the young couple to approach that consent very carefully – not just from warm feelings of strong friendship, but knowledge, judgement, and love.

Once a young couple discover each other and fall in love, they begin to think seriously about marriage. The Doctrines tell us that a woman should consult her parents before she consents to marry her young man. The same thing is true for the young man, of course.

There are three reasons given for this:  parents should be consulted because they counsel from judgement, knowledge, and love. From judgement because they are more experienced. They have seen more of life, have themselves made the mistakes their children are inclined to and have already learned those lessons. From knowledge because they know their own children having guided their growth from infancy. From love, because true love wants to make the one who is loved happy.

Those early states of falling in love and planning a life together, and especially the first states of marriage, are full of delightful moments of incredible tenderness and joy. These states are not the result of the couples own spiritual states, but they are “borrowed” from the angels who are drawn near to their innocent and lovely states. The young couple has the opportunity to taste the happi-ness of heaven, long before they have gone through the journey that will earn it for them, so that they will have some sense of what awaits them, some faith that what they are working for is of lasting value and will bring them happiness beyond measure.

Conjugial love ascends and descends:  it ascends first from their minds toward their souls and the effort to conjunction there, and then it descends by influx into their body where it clothes itself with affections for and delights with the married partner. Conjugial love is of the same nature in its descent as it is in the height to which it has ascended If it is in its height (an orderly conjunction of souls) then it descends chaste (and delightful). If it does not ascend so high, but only to the lower parts of the mind, then it descends unchaste, for it picks up its character of the part of the mind in which it resides.

This shows the importance of betrothal, for by focusing the minds of the couple on spiritual prin-ciples of marriage, conjugial love can reach a greater height, and can descend from a more ele-vated and more pure position. If the young couple are only interested in making their sexual pleasures acceptable in the eyes of society, and indulge in them before their marriage, then they cannot expect a spiritual marriage to result as if by magic because they have participated in a church service.

With those who think about marriages from religion, the marriage of the spirit precedes, and that of the body follows. They are thus separated from the love of the sex in general and it is replaced with a tender love of one of the sex as they look to an eternal and everlasting union with one. Those who think only of marriage as a conjunction of bodies during life in the natural world will not be able to elevate themselves into a spiritual marriage because they do not even know that such a thing exists – so how can they work toward it?

Betrothal is not only a state for young lovers, but a state that can and should be enkindled in ma-ture marriages as well. The state of betrothal, the determination to have the spiritual marriage precede the natural marriage, is the spiritual force within a marriage, it represents the desire for an eternal spiritual marriage with one partner. All marriages have states of warmth and cold that fluctuate from time to time as the partners go through their individual trials and temptations in life. In the difficult times, there is value in remembering the promises made during courtship, there is value in remembering the hopes and dreams that made you fall in love with each other. By remembering those early states, by thinking about the tokens of your love for each other, by reading Conjugial Love again, together, you will find that your marriage could be revitalized You can talk about the things you have learned since you were married, and enjoy those “borrowed states” of heaven once again. Such reminders can carry you over the rough spots that naturally occur in every one’s life.

In the New Church, we know that marriage is more than a natural agreement, but the grind of daily life can make us forget our ideals, our spiritual goals. The point is to take time for each other and for the care and feeding of your marriage. Time and personal attention are they key to success in most areas of life, and marriage is no exception. The goal is to restore and uplift the desire for an eternal, spiritual marriage with one.

The conjugial union of one man with one wife is the precious jewel of human life and the reposi-tory of Christian religion. In a word, a person is a living soul as a result of that love (CL 457) AMEN.

First Lesson:  Genesis 29:1-20

(GEN 29:1-20) So Jacob went on his journey and came to the land of the people of the East. {2} And he looked, and saw a well in the field; and behold, there were three flocks of sheep lying by it; for out of that well they watered the flocks. A large stone was on the well’s mouth. {3} Now all the flocks would be gathered there; and they would roll the stone from the well’s mouth, water the sheep, and put the stone back in its place on the well’s mouth. {4} And Jacob said to them, “My brethren, where are you from?” And they said, “We are from Haran.” {5} Then he said to them, “Do you know Laban the son of Nahor?” And they said, “We know him.” {6} So he said to them, “Is he well?” And they said, “He is well. And look, his daughter Rachel is coming with the sheep.” … {9} Now while he was still speaking with them, Rachel came with her father’s sheep, for she was a shepherdess. {10} And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother’s brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother’s brother, that Jacob went near and rolled the stone from the well’s mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother’s brother. {11} Then Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice and wept. {12} And Jacob told Rachel that he was her father’s relative and that he was Rebekah’s son. So she ran and told her father. … {20} So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed only a few days to him because of the love he had for her. Amen.

Second Lesson:  CL 71-72

71. No others can be in a state of truly conjugial love but those who receive it from the Lord – namely, those who go to Him directly and live the life of the church from Him – for the reason that this love, viewed in terms of its origin and correspondence, is celestial, spiritual, holy, pure and clean, more than any other love that is found in angels of heaven or people of the church. And these attributes of it cannot exist except in people who are joined to the Lord and brought by Him into association with angels of heaven…

72. Only those people come into truly conjugial love and only those can be in it who love the truths of the church and do the good things it teaches, for the reason that no others are accepted by the Lord. That is because people who love the truths of the church and do the good things it teaches are in a state of conjunction with the Lord, and consequently they can be kept in that love by Him….
The evident conclusion from this is that people are blessed with truly conjugial love not if they only know the truths of the church, but if they know them and do the good things it teaches.

The Parable of the Lamb


A Sermon by the Rev. James P. Cooper

Toronto, July 22, 2007

As the LORD lives, the man who has done this shall surely die! (2SA 12:5)

David was the greatest of the kings of Israel. It was David alone who could unite the kingdoms of Israel and Judah. It was David who had the strength and the military knowledge to capture the mighty fortified city of the Jebusites and make it his capital, which he then named “Jerusalem” meaning “possession of peace.” David was known as an able leader of men, a great military genius, a man of great religious passion, and a wise judge over his people. When David was performing his office as king of a united Israel, he, more than any other king in the whole of the Word, represented the royalty and power of God.

On the other hand, David the man was capable of great passion, great cunning, and great cruelty. No other character in the Word shows the contrast between a man and his office so powerfully as David. David first saw Bathsheba while he was walking on the roof of his palace and he saw her bathing on the roof of a neighbouring building. Abusing his kingly powers, he commanded that she be brought to him.

Later, when David discovered Bathsheba’s pregnancy, he first ordered her husband Uriah home from the battle so he could spend the night at home with her and so believe the child to be his own; but when he refused to spend the night in comfort with his wife while his men and officers were still in battle, David gave orders to put this valiant and loyal leader of men into the hottest part of the battle, and he ordered the other men to then withdraw from him, leaving him to his death. Ironically, Uriah’s sense of honour and respect for his comrades-at-arms was what made it necessary for David to kill him, and even worse, Uriah’s bravery and skill as a warrior were turned against him and used to destroy him. It was this deliberate deception, and the use of Uriah’s own honour and virtue to destroy him that sets this crime apart.

David as king represented the Lord. In this context David had committed terrible sins, so we can know that David the man does not represent the Lord, but instead, what is opposite to the Lord, a love of self so powerful that it can convince itself that it is above civil, moral, and spiritual law, and so full of the desire to rule over others that it wants to overthrow the Lord Himself and rule in His place. The love of self is seldom so fully developed in people still in the world, but with a little careful and honest self-examination, we all can recognize some degree of this love of self in ourselves.

Everyone comes into selfish states from time to time. The Lord knows this, for He knows our nature. The question is, how does the Lord provide for us to find our way out of these selfish states? How can order and equilibrium be restored to our lives without also destroying our spiritual freedom?

We can see how the Lord gently leads even our most hateful and destructive states in the way that Nathan the prophet brought David back into order. He does not accuse David. He does not threaten him. Nathan simply presented truth to David, and then let him judge himself against the standard of truth. And so the Lord provides for our states in the same way. He has given us the Word in such a form that it does not intrude into our lives. The books lie passively on the shelf until we ourselves pick them up and open them, and even then, unless we read with a genuine desire to learn from the Lord, the Divine within them will be invisible. The Lord never forces Himself into our lives unbidden. We must invite Him in.

Also like the Word, Nathan spoke to David in a parable, a story that contained many hidden levels of meaning, but that did not accuse David of any crime or challenge his authority as a king in any way. The whole of the Word is written in parables, and the Lord Himself says that while in the world He did not teach except in parables. A parable is a passive way of making a point, that is, the point will not be seen at all unless it is looked for.

Nathan told the story of a rich man who stole the ewe lamb of his poor neighbour so that he could have a nice dinner for a guest. The story was told so that obviously it was not just any lamb, but a family pet as well. The parable was carefully crafted to stir our sympathy for the poor man and his family, and inflame our anger for the cold-hearted rich man who could murder and eat a lamb that was practically a member of the family!

The Doctrines tell us that the rich represent those who have many truths and goods from the Lord through the church, but who do not put them to any use in their life. They disregard the things of the church. In comparison, the poor are those who, due to circumstances, do not have goods or truths, but still, they long for them, and wish to have them from the Lord. Those few truths that they do have, they love, and cherish, and bring into their lives.

The image of the little ewe lamb contains many powerful images which are to lead us to think about the opposite of selfishness, that is, the complete and utter trust in the Lord and willingness to follow Him. While all lambs represent innocence (see AC 3994:3), a ewe lamb in particular represents the holiness of innocence (see AC 2720:6). More images were given to illustrate that we are to think about this in terms of the ideal state of our relationship with the Lord. The lamb was like the man’s own daughter, and a daughter represents goods. It ate his food, which represents that he gave it spiritual nourishment, that is, he gave it the things that it needed for spiritual life and growth. It drank from his own cup, that is, he gave the inmost truths that it needed. It lay in his bosom, which means it was conjoined to him by love and mercy.

These images tell us that if we are willing to follow what the Lord teaches in the Word, He will nourish us with spiritual food, he will quench our thirst for spiritual truth, and eventually, we will be conjoined with him to eternity in the life of heaven.

On the other hand, there is the symbol of the rich man, the man who has acquired many goods and truths in his lifetime, but has hidden them away, as it were, and does not live according to them. Such a man will, when his crimes are discovered, be condemned, that is, he will go to hell.

It is interesting to note that there is an additional penalty upon him: he will also be required to restore the lamb fourfold because he had no pity. No one can replace such a loss, and what would four lambs be to a rich man? How could this add to his punishment when he has already been condemned to death? The only reason that this additional punishment is mentioned is for the sake of the internal sense, for it tells us something further about our own states. The lamb was to be restored fourfold because the man had no pity. On the other hand, the Lord has compassion for everyone, and He teaches that anyone who does not also have compassion for others cannot be conjoined with Him, for all conjunction is of love – you cannot be conjoined to someone if your loves are totally different (see AC 904:2) It is also true that those people who have been gifted with a sense of perception know that whenever they feel compassion toward another, they are admonished by the Lord and their conscience to render aid. In this we are reminded of the parable of the Good Samaritan (see AC 6737).

Another aspect of evil that is brought out by this parable is how the evildoer so often commits his evils so that they are obvious to many, yet he can still convince himself that they are not known others. It seems that in his own mind David actually believed that he could take Bathsheba from Uriah, have her become pregnant while Uriah was away at battle, and then order his soldiers to abandon Uriah so he would die in battle, without anyone noticing this chain of events. How often does it happen that we do things that we think are secret when yet they are well known to our friends and family who, out of friendship, or embarrassment, have simply declined to mention it. It’s likely that we have all known people who have practised a vice in what they believed to be secret, when yet it was obvious to all what they were doing. This shows how powerful self-deception and self-justification can be.

Amazing as it seems, David believed that he could hide his adultery by committing murder, but his foolishness and sinfulness were painfully obvious to all. While it is true that some evils can be kept secret in the world, we know that once in the spiritual world, as spirits enter the second state, the state of their interiors, they no longer care what others think, and their behaviour becomes one with their interior loves. In this way, all spirits can see their evils, and those who are good can reject them. Eventually, all sins, whether done in secret or openly, will eventually be made known. But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgement (MAT 12:36), also For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, nor hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have spoken in the ear in inner rooms will be proclaimed on the housetops (LUK 12:2,3).

We sometimes find ourselves in the position that Nathan the prophet found himself in. We don’t know whether David and Nathan were friends, but Nathan was the chief prophet of the Lord, and so he would have a position of some respect in David’s court. He was no doubt free to come and go, and was frequently present to give counsel on important decisions. Also, in his office as a priest, Nathan was under a moral obligation to act as a watchman and condemn David for his open sin, and call him to repentance. But, as a man, Nathan had good reason to be afraid. David had already killed one important and powerful counsellor because of his infatuation with Bathsheba: was there not good reason to suspect that David might even kill the Lord’s prophet under these circumstances?

Do we not also find ourselves in a similar situation from time to time, where we see a friend or loved one travelling on a course which we clearly see to be headed for disaster? We feel conflicting emotions. On the one hand we want to say something to make our friend stop doing what we know to be evil or foolish. On the other hand, we are reluctant to say anything that our friend will regard as critical because they may then be angry with us and say hurtful things. This puts us in a very unhappy state as we try to decide between two difficult paths. Our conscience will not allow us to let the evil go on, and our natural affection for our friend does not wish to say anything that might cause pain or result in a difficult confrontation.

When we find ourselves in these circumstances, it could be helpful to follow Nathan’s example. As a priest, he had to condemn David’s sins. As a man, he feared for his own life. So he found a middle ground; he used the parable of the lamb to cause David to judge himself. The important principle that is illustrated here is that it is the truth that judges people, not other people. By presenting the truth to David, David judged himself in the light of that truth, and because he saw himself in the light of truth, there was no anger, no need for revenge upon Nathan.

The parable of the lamb, and the circumstances that made it necessary, give us a complete and powerful picture of the love of self and the evil and cruelty it is capable of when allowed to run unchecked. As David himself said while unknowingly condemning his own actions, The man who has done this shall surely die (text). There can be no spiritual life for the person who puts himself above all things in the world, above the needs of all people in the world, and who, in his heart, wishes to pull the Lord down from His throne and rule in His place (for all these things dwell in the interior degrees of selfishness) – unless. Unless such a person is led to the truth in the Word and to judge himself in its light, unless he can see his evils for himself, unless he prays to the Lord for help in removing them, unless he shuns them and begins to live a new life. Then he will not die.

Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool. If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat of the good of the land; but if you refuse and rebel, you shall be devoured by the sword; for the mouth of the LORD has spoken (Isaiah 1:18-20). AMEN.

Lessons: 2SA 12:1-7, MAR 1:1-11, AC 904:2

First Lesson: 2SA 12:1-7

Then the LORD sent Nathan to David. And he came to him, and said to him: “There were two men in one city, one rich and the other poor. {2} “The rich man had exceedingly many flocks and herds. {3} “But the poor man had nothing, except one little ewe lamb which he had bought and nourished; and it grew up together with him and with his children. It ate of his own food and drank from his own cup and lay in his bosom; and it was like a daughter to him. {4} “And a traveller came to the rich man, who refused to take from his own flock and from his own herd to prepare one for the wayfaring man who had come to him; but he took the poor man’s lamb and prepared it for the man who had come to him.” {5} So David’s anger was greatly aroused against the man, and he said to Nathan, “As the LORD lives, the man who has done this shall surely die! {6} “And he shall restore fourfold for the lamb, because he did this thing and because he had no pity.” {7} Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man! Thus says the LORD God of Israel: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. Amen.

Second Lesson: MAR 1:1-11

The beginning of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. {2} As it is written in the Prophets: “Behold, I send My messenger before Your face, Who will prepare Your way before You.” {3} “The voice of one crying in the wilderness: ‘Prepare the way of the LORD; Make His paths straight.'” {4} John came baptizing in the wilderness and preaching a baptism of repentance for the remission of sins. {5} Then all the land of Judea, and those from Jerusalem, went out to him and were all baptized by him in the Jordan River, confessing their sins. {6} Now John was clothed with camel’s hair and with a leather belt around his waist, and he ate locusts and wild honey. {7} And he preached, saying, “There comes One after me who is mightier than I, whose sandal strap I am not worthy to stoop down and loose. {8} “I indeed baptized you with water, but He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit.” {9} It came to pass in those days that Jesus came from Nazareth of Galilee, and was baptized by John in the Jordan. {10} And immediately, coming up from the water, He saw the heavens parting and the Spirit descending upon Him like a dove. {11} Then a voice came from heaven, “You are My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.” Amen.

Third Lesson: AC 904:2

The presence of the Lord is predicated according to the state of love toward the neighbour and of faith in which the man is. In love toward the neighbour the Lord is present, because He is in all good; but not so much in faith, so called, without love. Faith without love and charity is a separated or disjoined thing. Wherever there is conjunction there must be a conjoining medium, which is nothing else than love and charity, as must be evident to all from the fact that the Lord is merciful to every one, and loves every one, and wills to make every one happy to eternity. He therefore who is not in such love that he is merciful to others, loves them, and wills to make them happy, cannot be conjoined with the Lord, because he is unlike Him and not at all in His image. To look to the Lord by faith, as they say, and at the same time to hate the neighbour, is not only to stand afar off, but is also to have the abyss of hell between themselves and the Lord, into which they would fall if they should approach nearer, for hatred to the neighbour is that infernal abyss which is between. Amen.